can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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