my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
