why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
