i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
This baby is an asshole
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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