Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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