I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize