My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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