I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
