Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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