I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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