Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
