Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
