i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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