I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
