Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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