Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
