Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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