why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
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According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
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He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
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