You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
