Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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