Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
