I don't usually arrange sex via text message
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
