I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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