I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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