I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
