I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit