the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.