he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
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I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
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I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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