My Higher Power is John Stamos
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
