I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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