fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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