my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
