they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
