Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
