Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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