I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
