I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
