So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
