Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
