Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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