I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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