i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
