I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
