The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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