It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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