OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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