yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Couch. On fire.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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