WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize