His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
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Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
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I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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