When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
