Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
