hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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