Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
