I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
