I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
