i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
