genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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