So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
