Whod you bang
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
