it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
