remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
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