Ambien. No doubt about it.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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