Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
